There must be some way to control a cat’s behavior. They are lesser life forms than humans, so it is perfectly reasonable that they should be subservient to us. I have tried water, orange peels, pepper, and all the things that are supposed to coerce cats into submission.
So far, it has been a pitiful failure. They even seem amused at my feeble attempts to break their iron will. Cats have nothing to do during the day besides lie around and think of ways to make me look foolish, and they utilize this downtime well. I know they appear lazy, but that is only because it is exhausting to their fuzzy, peanut brains to come up with so many different means of humiliating me.
Either that or they really are unbelievably lazy.
I prefer to think they are lying around hatching evil schemes, because I would hate to think they are really just soaking up the sun all day—without an evil thought in their furry heads—and STILL manage to outwit me day after day.
Scam and Con—my roommate’s conniving felines—have mastered the art of acting like lazy, fat blobs of fur while their itsy bitsy brains churn out plot after evil plot against me.
I had nearly given up hope when I stumbled across an article on the World Wide Web which covered the topic of altering kitty behavior. As I have pointed out in earlier blogs, Al Gore is the founder and master of the World Wide Web, so how can it possibly be wrong? It can’t!
I know there have been times, such as the time I attempted to rid my home of furry beasts by polishing the floors with Orange-On, when it appeared that Al Gore had failed to have all the answers, but that was just a fluke. More than likely, Al Gore told his secretary that Orange-On was a great way to attract kitties, and she misunderstood and typed it wrong.
This secretary, whoever she is, is particularly prone to mistakes, but I can understand that. It would be hard for anyone to type every word on the World Wide Web, as dictated by its master and founder Al Gore, and not miss a word now and then.
Foolish secretaries notwithstanding, I was ecstatic to discover an article on controlling kitties with music. It turns out that music controls kitty behavior! If you play rock music, they will supposedly ignore you in a very pointed and rude way. That makes sense. Rock-loving teenagers usually behave accordingly, so why shouldn’t it work on cats? I tried it. Sure enough, they ignored me in a very pointed and rude way, but I couldn’t tell if that was because of the music or because they were just being their usual rude selves. It didn’t keep them off the coffee table, though, so I abandoned that particular genre.
I cranked gospel music at them for a few days, and they yowled and cried like sinners at the altar. They didn’t seem particularly repentant, however, since they continued to bite my fingers and toes whenever an opportunity presented itself. I despair of the eternal destiny of any creature that can cry out for mercy and then go right back to its sinful ways before the song even ends.
Being familiar with their already-nasty attitudes, I was afraid to try rap music on their carnal little minds, so I moved on to other artists.
After several days, I despaired of ever finding the magic, musical key to unlock their hidden nice kitties. I had downloaded a Peter, Paul, & Mary c.d. for a friend and was giving it the run-through on the c.d. player in the kitchen.
As “Where Have All the Flowers Gone” drifted through the house, I became keenly aware of a disturbance in the atmosphere. An unsettling calm oozed through the house. I turned around slowly and could hardly believe my eyes!
Scam and Con sat frozen to the floor with dilated pupils and expressions so still, they were either stoned or completely mesmerized. Not even their tails twitched. I watched them for the duration of the song, and then quickly hit the repeat button.
No movement.
I started walking around, straightening up the living room, moving things around.
No movement.
Time for the acid test (no pun intended)! I walked right in front of them to my bedroom door and opened it. Normally, Con would spring into the air and skid into my room before I had a chance to blink—let alone close the door.
No movement.
I shut myself in my room to bask in cat-free serenity, listening to the muffled harmony of PP&M through the walls.
I feel good about finally winning a battle against my fuzzy opponents!
Score: Me-1
Team Feline-2,378,412
