Fuzzy Fashion Sense

Why don’t cats wear clothing? Pampered dogs, usually belonging to sweet old ladies or hotel heiresses, are often seen sporting sweaters, hats, and painted toenails. Cats, on the other hand, are like Adam and Even in the Garden of Eden—naked and unashamed.

Why?

It is not for lack of opportunity.

When I was a little girl, my brother, Toad, attempted to civilize our semi-wild outdoor cats by capturing them and dressing them in doll clothing. Toad, like any missionary on a quest to civilize savages, endured persecution for his efforts. The naked savages scratched, clawed, and bit, but Toad was patient and longsuffering enough to clothe them in doll dresses, bonnets, and—best of all—socks!

Once the cat was properly dressed, it was released onto the porch to pay for its wardrobe by dancing. If little Tommy Tucker, of nursery rhyme fame, can sing for his supper, it shouldn’t be too much to expect a cat to dance for its wardrobe.

We were never disappointed! A cat in a bonnet and socks will dance and cavort endlessly. Our cat, Butch, did not appreciate Toad’s kindness very much, and, despite the clothing, remained a heathen at heart. His dances, which should have been an outward expression of joy and gratitude for his newly acquired wardrobe, were mostly stripteases instead, so the sincerity of Butch’s conversion was often called into question.

Butch’s nudist tendencies were not our only reason to doubt his salvation. He was also lazy, mean, cursed like a sailor, and responded to his own baptism with what appeared to be a demonic fit. Toad still bears the scars of that baptism.

Cats do not run naked because they have no opportunity to be clothed, and they do not remain au natural because they lack interest in clothing.

I assure you cats are very interested in clothing, especially clean clothing. Have you ever seen a cat sleeping in a hamper full of dirty laundry? Neither have I. Cats will only sleep on fresh, clean laundry that you have just spent the last two hours washing, drying, and freeing from cat hair. Some people believe it is because the clothing is warm from the dryer. This is utter nonsense! Cats prefer clean laundry because it is clean, not because it is warm. If they were only after warmth, they would sleep on the heater vents, but they don’t.

Cats have a keen sense of fashion. It is misguided, by our standards, but keen nonetheless.

According to human fashion sense, dark colors are flattering and professional. Head-to-toe black is the best thing a human can wear.

Cats prefer contrast. They spot black clothing and immediately rush over to shed some white hair onto it for visual appeal. Most of my wardrobe is black or dark grey, and it is difficult to get out the door without Scam, my roommate’s fat, white cat, scurrying over to rub up against my legs and leave white hair all over me. Scam has no use for me any other time and never attempts to touch me unless I am wearing black. Scam’s disdain for me runs so deep that if I try to touch or pet her, she runs screeching away. But just let me walk in dressed for work, and suddenly she is seized with uncontrollable affection for me and winds around and around my dark stockings, purring with devotion.

Since their nudity is not caused by lack of opportunity or interest in fashion, I can only assume they remain naked because they are making some kind of political statement against clothing manufacturers, presumably because of the industry’s refusal to make cat-fur jackets.

Cats are very vain and do not care about anyone’s fur but their own. The fashion industry's nearly exclusive use of rabbit and mink is an insult to Kittydom.

I think they would like to see cat fur jackets and wraps become popular, but due to fashionistas' refusal to kill and skin them, the only way they can see cat fur in fashion is to shed on dark fabric whenever they get the chance.

There is more than one way to skin a cat!