Furry Lies

Rob Kopack (whoever he is) once wrote, “If cats could talk, they would lie to you.”

Until I read this quote, I relied solely on the wealth of information found on the World Wide Web, supplied by its founder and master Al Gore, for information on cats. Judging from the vast store of knowledge on Wikipedia, Google, and various other search engines and websites, Al Gore must be quite the expert on cats.

Apparently, so is Rob Kopack.

Scam and Con, the feline masters of my roommate, Tiny, lie so often that if they were humans, they would have already been elected to the Senate.

Their favorite lie is the “food” lie. I haven’t been fed! Feed me! I’m starving to death! Look at me, Scam whines, I’m wasting away to skin and bones.

Right! So far, she has “wasted away” to about thirty pounds of blubber and fur.

Dissatisfied with merely lying about the food, they emphasize the lie with drama. These would-be thespians follow you throughout the house, meowing pitifully and piercing your soul with big, sad eyes that cry out for nourishment. If you are not careful, you will find yourself believing the lie and giving them extra cat food, which they gobble with the ravenous gratitude of starving refugees.

Then they throw up on the rug.

That’s how you know you’ve been had!

Another recurring feline lie is the “it is time to wake up” lie. Most jokes are funny once, and a few are funny twice, but Scam and Con never cease to be amused by this one. They repeat it every night sometime between 3:00 and 5:00 a.m. There are few things worse than being awakened from a sound sleep by a lying cat. It may be advisable to "let sleeping dogs lie," but I would be content to let lying cats sleep!

At times, they break the law of Moses by bearing false witness against their neighbor--me. Those of you who are familiar with my accounts of Scam and Con know they lurk inside the door, waiting for Tiny to come home so they can accuse me of chasing them into the garage with a spray bottle.

Lies!

In Biblical times, breaking the law of Moses earned the criminal a free ride to the stone pit.

I've never stoned anyone before, but I'm willing to try it. I checked the web for the best way to stone a cat, and the punishment will be carried out tonight!

I have the necessary weapons (according to the World Wide Web) on my desk in front of me, so it is just a matter of time before Scam and Con face the judge (me) and are stoned for being blatant liars. Ah, sweet justice!

Say your prayers for Scam and Con. I have a bag of catnip on my desk, and I'm going home to get these cats stoned.

Justice is not quite dead.